


Sinful

by player3x



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Inarizaki, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Swearing, mentioned non-con, the schools are in the same city
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28814718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/player3x/pseuds/player3x
Summary: Atsumu Miya was always a happy kid. He had good grades, good friends, a great family and the best brother he could wish for...that was until 7th grade.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 46





	1. discoveries

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic and i accept constructive criticism just please don't be rude :)
> 
> trigger warnings   
> -self harm (cutting,scratching and punching)  
> -homophobic language (i'm gay so pls don't cancel me for using the f-slur)
> 
> this is basically me projecting onto tsumu.

°∴,*⋅✲══〖✰〗══✲⋅*,∴°

(age 4)

“Atsumu, Osamu!” The twins rushed downstairs after hearing their mother call their names. It was their first day of school and they honestly couldn’t wait to make friends and play volleyball. Atsumu and his twin started fighting to see who could sit in the “best seat” of the car since the other seat had a huge rock in it and was extremely uncomfortable. Osamu ended up winning leaving his brother to sit in the uncomfortable chair, laughing at him the whole car ride.

(age 8)

(the twins have an older brother in this)

“Kyo what happens after you die?” The young boy asks. He overheard his teacher talking about how her son will be going to hell when he died and became curious if it would happen to him too. “why do you wanna know buddy?” “i just wanna know if i’m going to hell!” Kyo reassures the young boy that he would not be going to that sacred place unless he killed someone, committed a major crime or did something “sinful”. Atsumu felt relieved knowing he would never think of hurting someone or going to jail.

(age 10)

The twins were walking around the neighbourhood because their mother said the dog needed to take a walk. They walked for about 10 minutes until they were stopped by the sound of a ball being hit over and over again. Naturally, they walked towards the noise. They met eyes with a boy about the same age as them who had beautiful black hair and seemed to be wearing a mask. Atsumu looked at the boy and his heart stopped “he’s cute”, he thought to himself but then got pulled back into reality by a hand reaching out to shake his. “my name is Sakusa Kiyoomi, and you?” “oh um Miya Atsumu but you can just call me Tsumu!”. The boys spoke for a while and played volleyball together. The twins had to go back home since it was getting late and their mother would be worried. They said their goodbyes to the boy in the mask and went on their way home.

When they got back home, Osamu was talking about how great volleyball was and how much he loved playing the sport that the boys both enjoyed. Atsumu pretend to listen to his brother’s rambling when in reality he was spacing out, thinking about that boy he met. Tsumu thought the boy was very handsome and good at the sport they all had a passion for.

Tsumu didn’t know that boys were allowed to like other boys since he’s been hearing people call it “disgusting” and “sinful” his whole life “sinful” that was one of the words Kyo used to describe the acts you had to do to go to hell. So he searched on the family computer; He kept getting results saying things such as “marriage is between a man and a woman” and “illegal”. He stumbled across one result “conversion therapy” he clicked on an article and heard all of the disgusting acts they did to you if you liked a person of the same gender. Atsumu decided to keep his feelings for the blacked haired boy a secret from that day on. Luckily he was a smart kid who knew how to delete his search history.


	2. blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!this chapter contain mentions of blood and the action of cutting!!

(age 11)

Tsumu and the boy grew closer after meeting up a few times over the years. The blacked haired boy also had thoughts about Atsumu sometimes but never mentioned anything and just acted like he hated him instead. Atsumu developed a few more special interests this year; he discovered he found amusement in television shows with gore and blood such as zombie shows, hospital shows and a certain anime called attack on titan. His fascination with blood would never escalate to the point where he wanted to see it in real life...or so he thought 

(age 12) 

For one reason or another this year was shit for Atsumu. He does not know why but he has been more anxious and sad these days. He gets his mother to speak for him in public and honestly just refuses social interaction with people he’s not comfortable with. He’s still his loud and obnoxious self around his friends and family of course, i mean he can’t let his loved ones know about what he thinks and does when he’s alone. One day at school Atsumu was goofing around with his friends, after a few minutes a random kid came up to him and told him to “ quiet down freak”. Atsumu does not know why but that last word really scares him after all those years of being called that name on the internet for expressing his sexuality. When Atsumu got home that day he stayed in his room, not speaking to Kyo, Osamu or his mother except for at dinner time, where he barely spoke a word. Atsumu decided to take a shower to relieve his stress. For some reason he couldn’t look at himself without cringing at the sight of his body “ugly” “disgusting” “fat”. Atsumu decided to ignore the words in his head and just continue his shower. Something happened when he got out of the shower, after looking at the eyebrow razor his mother uses. He stares at it for a second and picks it up, without thinking he slowly drags it against his stomach knowing nobody would see it there, he had no intention of harming himself. He just wanted to see blood. So as a little bit of blood dripped out, as if he just accidentally grazed the blade against his skin he cut again, at least 3 times since he still, had no intention of harming himself. He had seen the blood he wanted to so he decide to call it a day. Little did he know those 3 small cuts would turn into at least 7 layers of healed ones over the next 6 months

The next day he decided to see blood again. So he went to the bathroom, took the razor, and cut. The cuts were on his wrist this time but since they were small and spaced out he could say to people that noticed them that they were from his dog.

(2 months later)

Atsumu had developed an addiction he wasn't aware of. Cutting every night, looking at the blood and letting it dry on his skin. His wrists, forearms, and thighs were covered in cuts. He needed to hide them from his teammates so he refused to change in front of them. Instead he changed in the bathroom stalls. When asked why he just explains that it saves him time since he can go to the bathroom and change at the same time 

Atsumu's scars were almost revealed to people many times but he always found ways to hide them.


	3. f-words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear ill try to incorporate more Sakusa in this its just that i plan on doing a time skip to the msby and i feel like the sakuatsu should wait until then 😳😳
> 
> Anyways...!!chapter contains mentions of self-harm!!

(age 17)

Atsumu was in high-school now, he stopped doing the whole cutting thing after 6 continuous months of it when he was 12. Nobody ever found out since Tsumu was great at hiding things and had stopped right before t-shirt weather. But he found alternatives such as scratching himself until he bled and punching surfaces until his knuckles became bright red, he even broke his knuckles a few times, His mental health was slowly getting better over the years but he was still struggling. He finally told his family about his feelings towards Sakusa, luckily they had no problem with it and fully accepted him. His classmates figured out his secret and didn't take it very well. Atsumu was bullied by his old friends for being gay, He had insults coming at him from every direction. There were two words that really set him off “freak” and “faggot”. He didn't know why these words triggered him so much, maybe because of the way they were said, in a derogatory way. Atsumu and Sakusa still spoke to each other and still had feelings for each other.

One day the two boys were hanging out and Atsumu decided it was time.

“hey omi-kun?” “what’s up miya” “did you know yer a really handsome dude” “ew” “oh don’t be like that omi-kun yer like an old man” “i’m younger than than you!” “back to what i was saying ummm...i think yer really handsome”. Atsumu was attempting to confess which is something he does not excell at since his whole life it was always his fan girls confessing to him. Sakusa knew what he was trying to do and was trying his best to act as if he wasn’t blushing under his mask. “thanks miya...you’re not so bad yourself” “WOW OMI-KUN COMPLIMENTING ME!!” “shut it before i slap you” “rude omi-omi, very rude”

“omi-omi would y’a go out with me?” Sakusa froze for a second after deciding to answer with a small “no”. Atsumu knew this was going to be the answer so he just acted as if he was joking. Sakusa wanted to say yes but he just couldn't bring himself to do it

Atsumu knew Kiyoomi wasn't trying to hurt his feelings but his word brought pain and over-worrying to Atsumu's mind. “he doesn’t love you” “ he finds you disgusting” “ you have no reason to live”. Atsumu’s mind was going crazy and he had no control over his thoughts. The next thing he knew he was in the floor crying with new small red lines on his arm.

Atsumu was changing before practice making sure nobody was around. He couldn’t hear the door open to the locker room since he had his headphones in. Suna walked in to get his hoodie because the gym air conditioning was freezing cold. Suna noticed Atsumu...then noticed his arms. “Atsumu what’s on your arm?” Atsumu took out his headphones and quickly put on his shirt “it’s nothing rin”. Suna knew something was going on. “alright then if it’s nothing you can show me” “i’m not showing you stop being demanding Suna”. Suna was fed up with Atsumu’s bullshit so he took the blondes arm and rolled up his sleeve. “holy fuck Tsumu who did this?!”. Atsumu knew he couldn’t escape so he decided to tell Suna “i did”


	4. why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!this chapter includes mentions of self-harm!!

“why?”. Suna was really confused as to why Atsumu was doing this to himself. He was always so happy around everyone, he had no signs of depression. “the world is a fucked up place rin”. Suna took Atsumu out of the room with him and went up to the team “Atsumu has a secret to tell you guys”. Suna knew this wasn’t the best thing to do for Atsumu's well being but the others needed to know...especially Osamu

“what the fuck rin”. “it’s for your own good Atsumu”. Atsumu refused to say anything so Suna lifted up Atsumu’s sleeve and showed it to the team. Everyone was in shock as they saw their teammates arm covered in cuts. Kita notices that some of them are still bleeding so he goes to get a first aid kit. Osamu was mumbling something to himself like “how did i not notice”.

Aran notices Atsumu panicking a little so he decides to text Sakusa knowing that he would be able to calm Atsumu down

°∴,*⋅✲══〖✰〗══✲⋅*,∴°

To:Sakusa Kiyoomi [15:43]  
Sakusa-san, it’s Aran, Atsumu’s teammate!

From:Sakusa Kiyoomi [15:44]  
oh Aran-kun what’s up?

To:Sakusa Kiyoomi [15:44]  
You need to come calm down Atsumu.

From:Sakusa Kiyoomi [15:45]  
And why is that?

To:Sakusa Kiyoomi [15:46]  
Suna found him in the locker room with cuts all over his arm, apparently they were self inflicted.

From:Sakusa Kiyoomi [15:46]  
Oh, i’m on my way.

°∴,*⋅✲══〖✰〗══✲⋅*,∴°

(Sakusa’s pov)

“Self inflicted huh, fuck how did i not see”. I got my mother to drive me to Inarizaki, i told her it was because I forgot something there last time we had a practice match together. I decided it was better to not mention it to my mother, for Atsumu’s sake. When i got to the school i rushed to the gym, hoping Atsumu was okay. The gym was loud but it felt quiet, like all the fun disappeared. There were team members panicking, coaches being contacted, and a certain blonde boy hiding in a corner, looking shocked. I ran up to Atsumu and held his hands not even caring about the stupid germs. “Breathe Miya, breathe!”

(Atsumu’s pov)

I was scared, they all know...what will they think of me. They’ll think i’m pathetic or gross. Fuck, i wish omi was here. It feels like it’s been hours since Suna pulled me out of the locker room. I have to go in the corner, no one can hurt me in the corner. A few minutes have passed, i can’t breathe, is this the day i die? I suddenly feel a pair of hands on mine and i look up “Omi-kun?” Omi is telling me to breathe, i respect him a lot so i listen. I’m surprised he even wants to come close to me, Usually he calls me disgusting and refuses to touch me. I slowly slip back into reality with Omi comforting me, he’s such a nice boy it’s kinda a shame he refuses to love me

(Sakusa’s pov)

“it’s okay Atsumu, you’re gonna be fine”. He’s panicking so i comfort him, fuck i really love this idiot


	5. confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> atsumu gets his shit rocked and there's mentioned non-con

It's been a week since the team found out. Osamu decided it was best to tell their mother about the cutting. Atsumu has been banned from using sharp objects without supervision and has to wear short sleeves at all times. He really wants to confess to Kiyoomi again...he knows what the answer is going to be but maybe just maybe it will go as he hopes it does. 

°∴,*⋅✲══〖✰〗══✲⋅*,∴° 

To:Omi [13:08]  
Omi-omi come meet me at the park i wanna tell ya something!! 

From:Omi [13:09]  
I'll be there in 10 minutes. 

°∴,*⋅✲══〖✰〗══✲⋅*,∴° 

Normally Sakusa would decline this offer but he's been more worried about Atsumu these days and well...kind of in love him. So he decides to go. When he gets to the park what he sees terrifies him. Two kids are holding Atsumu down; one of them is currently punching the blonde in the face and the other is spitting insults at him. Kiyoomi runs over and stops them. He doubted that he could stop two guys but he's been working out alot for volleyball so he's gotten pretty damn strong. The guys leave and Sakusa immediately hugs Atsumu.

“what the hell happend?”

“i was here waiting for you and they came up to me...they said they just wanted to talk but then-”

“then what?”

“one of them tried to...touch me.”

“touch? like...”

“you can say rape,Omi it's not a swear”  
“and besides they didn't do it...i fought back that's how i ended up like this”

“Atsumu...are you okay? God i'm so happy they didn't touch you but are you okay.”

“i'm fine omi this isn't the first time i get beat up”

“you have a black eye and your face is bleeding...were going to my place”

“fine”

°∴,*⋅✲══〖✰〗══✲⋅*,∴°  
“Omi have i ever told you how cool your room is?”

“Many times”

“Have i ever told you how cool you are?”

“More than i can count”

“Have i ever told you that i'm in love with you?”

Sakusa stopped tending to Atsumu's injury after hearing this...Did he actually just say that...fuck what do i say. i mean i do like him back but what if he's joking

“you can't joke about things like that Miya.”

“i'm dead serious”

“Miya seriously it's not funny”

“It's not supposed to be”

“I've had enough of your jokes okay you can't play with someones feelings like tha-”

Atsumu places his hand on Kiyoomi's cheek and kisses him. It was a short but memorable kiss.

“still think i'm joking omi?”  
“i really am in love with you and i'm dead serious about it”

“Miya...I fucking love you”


End file.
